| Time to tell |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|12:56 pm] |
Life has been incredible, but reguardless of how good of a time I have I always seem to have someone or something in the back of my mind. I always have some sort of emotional disturbance buried under my happiness, tucked under my smiles. I always have screams hidden behind my laughter.
High school is over- done with. I am so glad that I made it through. There are so many times that I just wanted to drop everything & run away. So many times I wanted to get out of this town forever & never see any of these faces again (give or take a few), but now it's over. A drama free life where I am free to only befriend those who I am interested in getting to know.
Sadly enough, I feel I'm already losing some of the people I never wanted to let go of.
I love you, y'know... |
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| Cinco de maio |
[May. 5th, 2005|10:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none | ] |
I've been decently happy lately. Or even if I'm not happy, I'm mainly content. I have been trying to stay positive with everything going on, plus I've been hanging out with the girls a lot lately so that's always a group of people to cheer me up if anything goes wrong. I can't wait to go to the most beautiful spot tomorrow. I can't wait to spend time outside. I hope it's nothing less than gorgeous out.
Seems I'm not going to prom, which really upsets me, but what can I do? I have no dress, no ticket & no date. It's not like I didn't try, it's just how things worked out. Maybe I'll just have a really crazy time on prom night to make up for it. I can only hope. Perhaps some crunking will be entailed?
I worked with Jason tonight. It was tons of fun. Jeff was doing Admin. work while we were on the floor, otherwise Jason & I couldn't work together 'cos neither of us are shifts. Umm yeah. Anywho- we had a lot of fun. Lots of goofing off, & lots of messes. Whipped cream? Yeah, that was all over the place- same with the cups after a while. Playing hackey sack with cups & rice-crispie bars doesn't work out so well. At least not when I'm involved. I love my job. I love my coworkers.
Now that I'm home, I really just want to cry.
I can't explain why, but I do.
-It's weird, 'cos I just had a talk about emotions with Nicole.-
Eh. |
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| Psst... |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|11:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
FUCK (YOU)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| I say it a lot, but I really just want to run away. Leave this place. |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|10:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rilo kiley | ] |
I'm home
& again- I hate it.
I want to cry.
I miss people
& being around them just makes it worse.
Especially when there's nothing you can do about it.
Especially when things have changed so much.
All I wanted to do was tell him how much I miss him...
& talk to him. Just him.
He doesn't have to leave her.
He doesn't have to kiss me.
He doesn't have to tell me he still cares about me.
I just wanted to talk to him.
That's it.
Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe it just doesn't matter in the long run.
Maybe I'm a fool & need to learn to let go. Maybe I need to stop caring at all.
Maybe I'm selfish.
People act like I hate him.
But I don't -at all-. Things are just [weird]. |
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| Inside my head I'm screaming for promise |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|08:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ryan Adams | ] |
Desolation, past relation
Tell me what you need
Hesitated, words misstated
On my knees I plead
No resistance, go the distance
Treat me as you do
Not respected, lies detected
I believe your words are true
Destinations, old frustrations
Turning into pain
Be together, silk & tether
Love held by restraint
[I need to get away from this (family)]
[Run away with me?] |
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| Idreamtoomuch |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|05:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | somebumpinbeats | ] |
I can't remember much of my weekend
But I know it was amazing.
Went to school today.
Wasn't bad, but it was on the lower side of okay.
Went to Leroy with MB.
Saw Max Garcia
& some other crazy kids on bikes.
They creeped me out, but Max was cool with 'em
so as they conversed I stared at the boys foreign to me.
Saw a bunch of kids from school.
Didn't talk to 'em- not that I ever do,
& I'm down with that.
Now I'm home
& I am wishing I'd graduated already.
Now I'm home
& I am wishing I'd moved out already.
Now I'm home
& I am wishing I was back out already.
Now I'm home
& I am wishing I was with you already.
I'm not looking forward to the rest of the school year.
I've so much work to do if I plan on getting out of highschool.
But it's so nice out. I'm so distracted.
This fucking amazing weather taunts me.
I can't wait to go swimming in the creek.
I can't wait to explore new places.
I can't wait to see amazing shows.
I can't wait to go bladin' again.
I can't wait to do whatever the hell I want.
I can't wait. |
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| Tear down the façade & tell me what you're trying to hide |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|11:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  betrayed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My brother's band | ] |
What the fuck is going on?
I'm lost...
I never get much of a response.
I never get answers.
I came home early tonight.
Funny- I was hoping it'd be a night where I wouldn't come home at all,
but it seems I'm growing into a routine.
A routine of indulging in sleeping supliments before sundown.
I was ready to pass out well before 9, but for some reason I'm still hanging on.
I hate this pain.
I think I'm going to take some more melatonin
I just want to sleep Or even be happy...
Whichever comes first
(& right now, it looks like sleep is the winner)
If you care to change it let me know
'Til then
Good night
(I had a good night with my friends, though... I'm glad.) |
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| I can't sleep. |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|12:48 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  rejected | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ---- | ] |
I love you... & go fucking figure-
I can't stand to see you with somebody that makes you that unhappy
all the time.
I love you... & go fucking figure
I want to make you happy more than almost anything else, but silly me
you need to be comfortable- & she always was
Always was the perfect fit, huh? Forget me.
What the fuck am I good for? I don't care about you,
do I?
I don't want you to smile, I don't want to hold you
when you need somebody... or EVER for that matter...
I never take you in when you're broken.
Fuck what I think- what I feel... Fuck the fact that I love you
(after anything you've put me through... & the number of times you've put me there).
FUCK that
right?
I could never be any better than the girl you keep running to-
the one that tears you apart inside.
I could never give you happiness
(reguardless of my wanting you to be nothing less than happy for the rest of your life).
I fucking love you so much.
What more can I say.
What more can I do.
What more can I give. |
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| Go off to sleep in the sunshine... I don't want to see the day when it's dying. |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|07:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ------------------- | ] |
I've been going to bed really early lately.
I've nothing better to do than sit & get upset.
I've nothing better to do than sit and rip&tear at myself.
It makes me anxious.
It makes me edgy.
Nothing can get to me when I'm asleep.
Nothing can bring me down.
I (was) supposed to indulge in Nyquil&Melatonin with (someone) a while ago
But now I think I'll be doing it alone
Trying to crawl under my skin
When I already shed my best defense
It comes out all around that you won
And I think I'm all done
You can switch me off safely
While I'm lying here waiting for sleep to overtake me
Sleep, I sleep every day- Wipe the cobwebs away, I need to be loved.
Goodnight. |
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| I drempt I was a heroin addict |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|04:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  betrayed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Rilo Kiley | ] |
My parents- I cannot stand them.
I have to get out of this house as soon as possible.
I have to fucking graduate, too.
Euh.
Work- I've so few hours lately, I can't stand it.
But at the same time- I enjoy the time off to go outside &/or socialize.
Less hours does mean less money, though (less $ for moving out)...
& less having fun at work.
I feel useless when I'm at home.
I get depressed when I'm alone (lately)
But back to work-
Jeffrey wants me to decorate a board for our Amy's Blend
which supports breast cancer research.
Brandon- Well...
I'm happy for him, he has a new girlfriend.
It happens to be the girl he indirectly went to Sadies with (go figure).
I miss talking to/seeing him- I guess that friendship thing didn't work out how I'd hoped.
I know he sees me. I see him see me, but his looks never seem too inviting,
So I keep to myself -whether I want to or not-.
Even better:
Brent&Ross invited me to a 'partAy' they're having this weekend
-Brandon'll be there, along with Megan, his new babycakes-
So will a shit load of crackcocaine (HA)
Perhaps I'll go (then again, maybe not...)
Yeah. Most likely not, but who knows.
I also heard he had recently dipped into drugs again
(butjustonce)
which sort of pisses me off 'cos he told me not to do them.
Actually pretty bluntly said if I were to do them, we couldn't be together...
FUCK caring about that though (right?)
That's all over.
Yeah... I shouldn't give a damn.
He can do what he wants.
Why should I (lookout) for him, or be angry that he's doing
what it is he told me not to.
Patrick-
Ummm. Yeah.
Just Patrick, that's all I'm going to say about that.
I itch for (more) pain.
Even though I can't handle the pain I'm in. |
|
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| run away |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Get me the fuck out of this place.
Fucking family.
Fucking life.
Fucking.......
FUCK. |
|
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| Drunk on dreams... |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|08:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  (calm down-don't cry) | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Elliott Smith | ] |
Something has to be wrong when you feel
so bad, so lost, so sad, so hurt, so (everything)
that all you can do to react is vomit.
I'll vomit out my sadness.
Yeah, that's it.
(Seems I don't have a choice, anyway)
Shh, calm down...
[Don't Panic]
[Don't Shake]
[Don't Cry] |
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| On my mind. |
[Apr. 2nd, 2005|10:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 97.1 fm | ] |
Why I despise the fact that school is near again:
I am afraid of...
seeing Brandon.
regaining stress.
being forgotten.
all fun taming down.
losing you.
spring passing too quickly.
falling into unhappiness. |
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| (I was so good at hurting you) |
[Apr. 1st, 2005|03:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Radiohead- Fake Plastic Trees | ] |
All together I had a pretty great evening.
[Imissedyou] |
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| I want so badly to make you happy that it's tearing me apart. |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|12:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Coldplay | ] |
So here we go again.
I'm pretty unhappy-
I'm alone(asusual-withorwithoutaboyfriend)
& hate home(still).
The only day I haven't worked over break to date was Sunday, Easter.
Now I'm off 'til Sunday morning, which is nice
But I've a feeling I'll be sitting on my ass a lot
Waiting around for people like usual
I hate waiting around for people
I called Brandon on Easter (4-ish days ago??)
He was watching a movie so I said I'd let him go...
He told me he'd call back when it ended.
Is it over yet?! 'Cos I still haven't been telephoned.
I don't think I will be, either.
Friendship? From the looks of it right now?
I'onno that there will be one.
[GoFuckingFigure--- that just makes me more unhappy]
Thought about calling him again today
Changed my mind- I've done my part in trying to talk to him
It's his turn- if he cares to attempt?
I miss Kota. <3
I found old photos of my old puppy & me while cleaning my room.
The warm weather makes me think of him too.
Not to mention this new puppy is a completely different dog.
I was talking to Patrick a lot more (for a while)
I'onno what happened to that
I liked thinking we were getting (for lack of better words... closer)
Oops, silly me... looks like things're somewhat distant/awkward again??
---Something like that, who knows how to explain it-
Just something else to tear me down a bit more right now
Though I try to fix it
(why don't any of my efforts ever succeed... in anything?)
I just want to sleep a lot lately.
Depression? Exhaustion? Both?
Exhaustion, for sure... Depression--- eh.
I'm supposed to go thrifting with Jason tomorrow morning.
He gets off of work at 10 & I'm s'posed to meet him at 'Bou.
That'll be [interesting].
1- He works at 'Bou & yet I really (sort of) hardly know him
2- It'll prolly be awkward 'cos we've never hung out before
I've only worked there a few months longer than he has...
(His friend might come, too- whom I've gone with to go get Jason food before)
3- He's never been thrifting so I'onno what he expects to find
4- He's not the sort of person I would typically hang out with [or is he?]
Ahhhh. I- I just fucking want to be happy(allthetime)like I used to be.
SPRINGTIME(weather)HURRYBACK&STAYHERE |
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| Hmmm. |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|03:39 pm] |
Givemedrugs
Fuckmeup
Makemesmile
[Ohyeahhappyeaster] |
|
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| [Broken] |
[Mar. 26th, 2005|08:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ryan Adams | ] |
I am a broken toy
For a lonely girl
Use once and destroy
And go find some more
Back home, kids play in the leaves in the park
She wants to play a game of hearts
I'm the rag doll boy
With broken eyes
She only comes to me
When it's raining outside
Back home, kids play in the leaves in the park
She wants to play a game of hearts
I fell for you
I fell for you
Why?
I guess I wanted to play too.
Here's the lonely string
Playing 'long in my head
For only just my arms
Are dancing marionettes
Back home, kids play in the leaves in the park
And she wants to play a game of hearts
She wants to play a game of hearts |
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| I should have spit in her drink |
[Mar. 25th, 2005|10:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drank a lot of caffeine at wor | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | silverchair | ] |
Gabby Snow.
I knew she -danced- with Brandon at Sadies
but this evening when she visited me at work she told me:
Gabby- "So Alex, I saw your boyfriend the other day & I started talking to him"
Me- "...Oh yeah?"
Gabby- "Yeah, we were talking & he asked who I was & I was like wait, you don't even know who I am? You just talk to people you don't know, I saw you at the dance? & then he was like 'oh yeah you're the girl I was grinding with at sadies' and then he told me I had a big ass"
Me- "Oh yeah? Interesting. I broke up with him yesterday."
Gabby- "What?! Did you really? Why?"
Me (wanting to punch her in the face)- "Because... I did?"
Abi(yes, Abi cut in)- "Because it wasn't working out"
Me -under my breath- "Because you were grinding with him"
Gabby- Oh okay. ::walks off::
Okay. I know I'm not with Brandon anymore, but that still fucking pisses me off...
'cos at the time I -was- with him.
& seriously...
Why would you tell somebody you were grinding with their boyfriend?
Why?
Am I overreacting???
After she left I was explaining to Abi what Gabby said, 'cos she didn't even hear it.
She told me I handled it very well, that she'd have, well, who knows what she'd have done.
In any case, she told me she couldn't believe I didn't do (anything) about it.
Argh. |
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| [???] |
[Mar. 24th, 2005|05:44 pm] |
So I guess I just broke up with Brandon.
It took me the whole conversation to finally bring it up.
& a really fucking long time to dial his number.
The conversation (in my opinion) was pretty quiet,
as it has been lately...
I literally didn't mention it 'til he said he had to go...
It's weird though, because after I said I thought we should break up
& told him why I thought so
He started talking more.
I questioned still hanging out- 'cos some people are weird about it
& he said he doesn't know
& that it depends...
That he still -likes- me
Unlike his other ex-girlfriends
(of whom he has a strong hate for)
[silence] |
|
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| Coming down. |
[Mar. 23rd, 2005|10:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | David Gray | ] |
In elementary & middle school I wouldn't go to school for weeks
from depression
& constant crying
Now whenever I feel like this I don't want to go to school.
I wake up finding myself searching for excuses
Finding myself dreading the idea of seeing (certain) people
Finding myself wanting to cry even more
But always wake up knowing I still have to go
When I started doing it in highschool-
my parents started talking to my counselor
& took me to the doctor
-What the hell is wrong with her? She never stops crying. She won't say a thing.-
The doctor couldn't figure it out [I don't think they tried very hard either].
The counselor made a few commments, but had no great input.
[Still- nobody knows]
Fuck them.
Fuck this.
I'm a happy person- what are all the breakdowns for. |
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